Its Okay, I [am trying to] Stop

“actually I always alone, by myself all the time being. From the start till now, it was just me.”

I guess I lost my ability in writing, I don’t know why I cannot write although desperately I wanna write. Umm... I don’t know how to tell or say it, but I would like to share it. 

Exactly, gue gak tau apa rencana yang Allah sisipkan dalam setiap episode di hidup gue, gue gak tau rahasia besar apa yang kelak menanti di depan gue. Tapi satu hal yang gak pernah gue paham, this kinda feeling, this truly sincere feeling that not gonna change, not gonna stop. Iam just trying understand it by myself, maybe it just for me, it just my fault. Tetapi gue percaya, campur tangan Allah pasti ada disini. 

Banyak sekali waktu yang Allah hadirkan, banyak sekali momen yang Allah hadirkan dalam hidup gue. Dan dalam setiap momen itu, there are always chances. Always. But I have never meet once, meet the condition, or anything else. Then why? Is there any problem with my heart, is it really will continoue like this? Only me, by myself. By my confusing deepest feeling, 

Sampai pada suatu saat, finally that times come to me. Slowly, I can replace that so-old-story and get ready for the new one. But I think, I cannot. The condition, that time, and situation is not proper one for me. Finally, I conclude, it was just exam for me. Ujian untuk keimanan gue. Alhamdulillah gue lulus dari ujian itu, meskipun gue masih berdiam di titik ini. Tidak bergerak kemana mana. Still in this deepest confusing feeling, alone by myself.

Sampai pada suatu hari, gue mencoba menguji diri gue, making test for myself. Menguji apakah gue cukup dewasa untuk menghadapi dan menangani this kinda problems, menguji apakah gue akan kabur and seeking something to comfort me. ah.. ternyata I have grown up, Iam not escaping, Iam standing still to face it. How hard it was, how painful it was, Iam not taken a back. Just to make sure, from what I hear, I conclude “actually I always alone, by myself all the time being. From the start till now, it was just me. By my deepest confusing feeling,”

Then, I start asking God, why I have this kinda feeling? Why I cant be like anybody else who having freely heart, that can move easily. That must be a reason. It must be. Finally, I start to believe, when I have ever this sincere feeling that not easily swing or move, then Someday, somebody will do the same to me. I just try to believe it. That someday and somebody will come on one fine day. With abundant sincere and kindly heart, more than I have ever had.