I AM (FOREVER) YOUR NICE GIRL

To         : Mom

From     : Me

Mom, there are so many things burden me these days. The thought like, Iam not nice girl, too cold, too bold. Iam just lacking in many ways, I'm sorry. Though I did my very best. 

Do you know why am I bold? cold? and stressful? because Iam not nice and trying to be nice, but its sooo hard. 

Do you know how many times I am grateful having you as ma mom? Of course you won't know, because I never tell you. Later I'll tell you mom, how  I am so grateful to God that sent me to you and Dad when I was born.

Mom, Iam not nice girl, when Iam seeing those wrinkles around your eyes but I couldn't do anything. Iam not nice girl when you got so many problems, but I just stand still can't do real act or solve it for you.

Iam also not nice, when you told me boldly about what you want, what you dreaming but yet I cant make it happen. Though I did my best. I did very best.

Iam not nice, when Iam start comparing other's achieve with mine. and someday the thought like, I wanna escape as far as I can. To Golden Triangle, Tanjung Puting, Amazon, North Pole or anywhere where I can live freely no one knows me. Iam very very not nice right?

Sometimes you said, "my daughter is all grown up, can make decision by herself" Thats how you label me as your forever nice girl. thats how you turn me into. By saying that, Do you know hom much Iam tearing up inside? 

Mom, Iam not nice girl. Iam really really desperately wanna escape because I can't be the nice one. But you believe me as a nice one, believe with all your heart and all you have. How come I so cowardly escape then?

Mom, can't you wait a little more? I can't guarantee tomorrow, but I'll do my very best and pray hardly. Tomorrow is how hard I make it and how God destined. Will you pray along with me? You would. without me asking it.

Mom, you surely unable to read this letter, but later your nice girl will tell you directly. I'll tell you all about me. I promise.

Sincerely,

Your (forever) nice girl

November 2015

God, what is it?
What kind of way is it?
Why am I can't find way out?
the most up shine way out?
I even crying everywhere
in the street, the train, the bus, under street lamp, before going to bed
everywhere and anytime I just can't hold my tears anymore
I have no one to talk to, no one to console, no one to cheer
Where should I ran? I have no place to go to
I can't see what is in front and also cant see whats in the back
I also can't run from You, God
because I only have You, God, because I have my trust on You
where is the way out, God?
The most shine way out
lead me there, God

Thanks To...

Soon to be my D-day, kebangun pagi ini dengan pikiran I don’t write anything yet to say thanks to all. Late is better than nothing right?

Untuk keberjalanan my final task as student, I’d Like to thanks to Allah SWT yang memberikan rahmat-Nya, kemudahan, kelancaran, kekuatan, kehebatan sepanjang perjalanan yang tidak mudah ini. Banyak hal-hal indah dan tak terduga yang Allah hadirkan untuk membuat jalan saya lebih awesome, thanks God. Untuk Ibu saya, wooo... terima kasih untuk doa sepanjang jalannya, untuk keyakinan, pengharapan, dan segalanya termasuk the noise one hihihi. Untuk Alm. Bapak, finally I did it, it just the beginning, I’ll do better next, watch my growth from there yaa.

Lanjut, I’d like to thanks everybody dari awal proses sampe akhir yang nggak sempet kesebut di halaman thanks to skripsi saya. Dari awal pembuatan proposal skripsi semester 7 banget abis selese magang, Anindya, terima kasih untuk saling menguatkannya, you have to do well, buruan nyusul yaa. Bu Tanti, Mas Budi yang sudah melancarkan proses pengajuan skripsi saya sampe dapet pembimbing hingga akhirnya ganti pembimbing lagi. Alm.Prof Totok yang sudah membimbing sekitar 3 bulan, terima kasih Prof, from such a quick moment I learn so much things from you. It’s not that easy to think from the basic and arrange thesis well, sincerely thanks.

Kepada Bapak Hast many thanks also Sir, atas shocking suggestion yang akhirnya mengharuskan saya ganti total tema skripsi (I think that was my best writing ever sebenarnya haha), tapi terima kasih juga saran tema baru nya yang akhirnya jadi thesis saya. Terima kasih atas kesabarannya, bimbingannya, dan kebaikan-kebaikan yang mengantarkan tulisan saya di-dadar dalam waktu secepat kilat. Tak lupa pula pegawai bagian dokumentasi di Monumen Pers yang saya recoki sabtu-sabtu, atau minggu-minggu. Maaf saya lupa nama Bapak yang bukan dari Jawa dan satunya saya juga lupa (I have a short memory when it comes to names), tanpa bantuan data dari beliau skripsi ini tak akan pernah ada, makasiiiiih Bapak-bapak.

Lanjut, ke temen-temen yang saling menguatkan, yang nemenin makan dan hangout kalo lagi bosen, saling bercurhat ria kalau sama-sama stuck sama dosbing, Ifa, Anin, Juju, Fani, Dita thankissss guys, buruan nyusul yaaa. Buat Ranti dan anak kos lainnya (lia, olif, mutia,cita) semacam tempat berkeluh abis pulang dari konsul entah ketemu dosbing apa enggak, makasih ya gais.

Buat Mbak Oksa thanks atas jurnal-nya Mbak, apalah jadinya aku tanpa kiriman jurnal-mu. Buat Selfi juga thanks banget udah mau bantuin nyariin jurnal di kampusmu (Atmajaya), its so much worth, thankiss. Buat Mas Fauzan juga thanks banget buat pedoman alur yang panjang ini, without it, Iam just a wanderer and lost #apasih, tapi serius alurnya berguna bangeeet. Buat Mas Budi lagi yang bantuin proses pengajuan sidang, ngajuin wisuda, sampe selese, thanks mas Budi, I owe you hahaha. “Mas Budi, surat yang ada cap-nya habis gimana dong?” you’ll not hear that kinda stuff from me again Mas hahaha.

Buat semua pegawai pendidikan, Pak Suhadak, Pak Sarwono, Pak Aris, Bu Mar, Mbak siapa lupa namanya thanks lhooo semuanya *akan kuingat yang baik-baik saja* buat Mbak Mei di Dekanat juga, Bapak Sukiman, Ibu Dayun, dan Bu Retno di Mawa thanks jugaa kemudahannya.

Buat ketiga penguji, Pak Has, Pak Herwin, Pak Mursito terima kasih atas kemudahannya, humor di ruang sidang-nya, dan suasana sidang yang sama sekali tidak menghakimi, dan pasti nilai akhir yang *makasih bangeeet deh pokoknya*. You are all the best. Really.

Lihat, Dengar, Rasakan

By Sheila On 7, 2000

Dia telah berdiri coba berlari
Tak pernah dia jelang hidup yang inginkan

Kilau hari-hari dan birunya langit
Terhapus rasa indah terpejam oleh lelah

Dalam lelahnya mata nikmat Dunia menjelma
Sejenak dia berharap malam tanpa batas

Bunda selalu tanamkan jangan pernah menyerah
Jalani dan panjatkan kelak syukur kau ucapkan pada diriNya


Kumohonkan

Mudahkan hidupnya... hiasi dengan belaiMu
Sucikan tangan-tangan yang memegang erat harta...

Terangi harinya... dengan lembut mentariMu
Buka genggaman yang telah menjadi hak mereka...

Kumohonkan

Mudahkan hidupnya... hiasi dengan belaiMu
Sucikan tangan-tangan yang memegang erat harta...

Terangi harinya... dengan lembut mentariMu
Buka genggaman yang telah menjadi hak mereka...

Mudahkan hidupnya... hiasi dengan belaiMu...


Terangi harinya...
Buka genggaman yang telah menjadi hak mereka...

Its Okay, I [am trying to] Stop

“actually I always alone, by myself all the time being. From the start till now, it was just me.”

I guess I lost my ability in writing, I don’t know why I cannot write although desperately I wanna write. Umm... I don’t know how to tell or say it, but I would like to share it. 

Exactly, gue gak tau apa rencana yang Allah sisipkan dalam setiap episode di hidup gue, gue gak tau rahasia besar apa yang kelak menanti di depan gue. Tapi satu hal yang gak pernah gue paham, this kinda feeling, this truly sincere feeling that not gonna change, not gonna stop. Iam just trying understand it by myself, maybe it just for me, it just my fault. Tetapi gue percaya, campur tangan Allah pasti ada disini. 

Banyak sekali waktu yang Allah hadirkan, banyak sekali momen yang Allah hadirkan dalam hidup gue. Dan dalam setiap momen itu, there are always chances. Always. But I have never meet once, meet the condition, or anything else. Then why? Is there any problem with my heart, is it really will continoue like this? Only me, by myself. By my confusing deepest feeling, 

Sampai pada suatu saat, finally that times come to me. Slowly, I can replace that so-old-story and get ready for the new one. But I think, I cannot. The condition, that time, and situation is not proper one for me. Finally, I conclude, it was just exam for me. Ujian untuk keimanan gue. Alhamdulillah gue lulus dari ujian itu, meskipun gue masih berdiam di titik ini. Tidak bergerak kemana mana. Still in this deepest confusing feeling, alone by myself.

Sampai pada suatu hari, gue mencoba menguji diri gue, making test for myself. Menguji apakah gue cukup dewasa untuk menghadapi dan menangani this kinda problems, menguji apakah gue akan kabur and seeking something to comfort me. ah.. ternyata I have grown up, Iam not escaping, Iam standing still to face it. How hard it was, how painful it was, Iam not taken a back. Just to make sure, from what I hear, I conclude “actually I always alone, by myself all the time being. From the start till now, it was just me. By my deepest confusing feeling,”

Then, I start asking God, why I have this kinda feeling? Why I cant be like anybody else who having freely heart, that can move easily. That must be a reason. It must be. Finally, I start to believe, when I have ever this sincere feeling that not easily swing or move, then Someday, somebody will do the same to me. I just try to believe it. That someday and somebody will come on one fine day. With abundant sincere and kindly heart, more than I have ever had.