I AM (FOREVER) YOUR NICE GIRL

To         : Mom

From     : Me

Mom, there are so many things burden me these days. The thought like, Iam not nice girl, too cold, too bold. Iam just lacking in many ways, I'm sorry. Though I did my very best. 

Do you know why am I bold? cold? and stressful? because Iam not nice and trying to be nice, but its sooo hard. 

Do you know how many times I am grateful having you as ma mom? Of course you won't know, because I never tell you. Later I'll tell you mom, how  I am so grateful to God that sent me to you and Dad when I was born.

Mom, Iam not nice girl, when Iam seeing those wrinkles around your eyes but I couldn't do anything. Iam not nice girl when you got so many problems, but I just stand still can't do real act or solve it for you.

Iam also not nice, when you told me boldly about what you want, what you dreaming but yet I cant make it happen. Though I did my best. I did very best.

Iam not nice, when Iam start comparing other's achieve with mine. and someday the thought like, I wanna escape as far as I can. To Golden Triangle, Tanjung Puting, Amazon, North Pole or anywhere where I can live freely no one knows me. Iam very very not nice right?

Sometimes you said, "my daughter is all grown up, can make decision by herself" Thats how you label me as your forever nice girl. thats how you turn me into. By saying that, Do you know hom much Iam tearing up inside? 

Mom, Iam not nice girl. Iam really really desperately wanna escape because I can't be the nice one. But you believe me as a nice one, believe with all your heart and all you have. How come I so cowardly escape then?

Mom, can't you wait a little more? I can't guarantee tomorrow, but I'll do my very best and pray hardly. Tomorrow is how hard I make it and how God destined. Will you pray along with me? You would. without me asking it.

Mom, you surely unable to read this letter, but later your nice girl will tell you directly. I'll tell you all about me. I promise.

Sincerely,

Your (forever) nice girl

Happy Mother’s Day, Ibuk

22 Desember 2014,

Tanggal  22 ini milik seluruh ibu yang ada di dunia. Betapa tidak, setiap orang yang berstatus sebagai anak mengucapkan selamat, memeluk, mencium pipi, atau bahkan bercucuran air mata atasnya. Begitu pun seorang aku...

Selepas bangun dari tidur aku beranjak meraih hp-ku kemudian mengirim pesan singkat buat Ibuk. Kenapa tidak telfon atau bahkan bertemu langsung? Iam too shy to express my deepest feeling. Klise yaa.. Memang iya, Iam too afraid that I will end up crying like a river if I call her or say it directly. Tetapi, meskipun demikian, itu benar-benar tulus dari saya, Buk.

Then, whats mother for you?

Mom is my world, my entire wolrd, reason of struggling, reason for stand back after falling, reason for choosing this kind of path and fight to the end. Ibuk bukan orang yang akan membuatkan aku kopi ketika aku lembur, bukan juga Ibu yang selalu mengambilkan makan dan menyuapi anaknya, bukan juga seorang Ibu yang memasakkan apapun yang aku minta. Sebaliknya, Ibuk adalah orang yang sangat tegas, memarahi aku habis-habisan kalau aku memang salah. Ibuk adalah tipe ibu yang ingin anaknya berdiri di kakinya sendiri tanpa memanjakannya berlebihan. Ibarat metode reward and punishment. 
 Along this 20 years, that method works to me , Mom. Although, right now, I don’t really need reward. Right now, I just want you to be happy, healthy and be blessed. 

 Ibuk adalah orang yang bangun pagi buta untuk membuatkan aku sarapan untuk bekal sekolah atau kuliah. What would she eats, her children must eat it too. Ibuk adalah wanita yang mampu memikul semua beban di pundaknya. Semuanya. Family matters, household, her works, her children, family event, unexpected needs. She does everything. Alone. By herself. Sometimes, she talks, share, and ask me but she doesn’t really need my answer nor help. She just needs to be heard. For all of the hardships, matters, and anything, she is sooooo strong.

I admire her alot. I adore my mom alot.

Along this 20 years, terima kasih atas semuanya Ibuk. Tetap sehat, tabah, dan tetap se-luarbiasa seperti sekarang ya. Each time, each days, I’ll always try to make you happy, Mom. Thats my promise...